Are the four horsemen present in your relationship?

Published January 28, 2026.

Every relationship has its own unique strengths and challenges, and while the strengths help you build and enhance your partnerships, the challenges can pose a threat when they become a common point of contention. Of all the challenges couples face, a few of them stand out as the most common reasons relationships fail — namely, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The presence of these in any partnership has been shown to predict dissatisfaction and ultimately the dissolution of a relationship, but addressing them can ultimately make a relationship stronger and help every involved party feel happier and more understanding of their loved one.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse according to Dr. John Gottman

Dr. John Gottman is one of the world’s leading professionals in relationships and couples therapy, thanks in part to his establishment of the four horsemen of relationships. Much like the biblical four horsemen are thought to herald in the end of the world, Dr. Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse represent four challenges that are likely to bring forth the end of a relationship.

1. Criticism

If one of the biblical horsemen is war, its relationship counterpart is criticism. While talking with your partner when they do something that aggravates you is sometimes necessary, criticism goes beyond trying to find a solution to the issue. Instead of talking about the things they did that upset you, you attack them or their character — that is the difference between complaining and criticizing.

Often, when you criticize someone, you shut down the conversation before it even starts. Your partner may become defensive and upset because they feel as though you are attacking them rather than working through the situation with them.

2. Contempt

Like pestilence, contempt can seep into every part of your relationship and create a resentment that is hard to move past. Someone feeling contempt may lash out without thinking or otherwise try to wound the person to “get back” at them through yelling, ridiculing, or downright bullying. The person feeling contempt may see themselves as superior to the other person and do everything they can to prove it, even if it ends up permanently damaging the relationship.

3. Defensiveness

The third horseman is defensiveness, which, similar to the apocalypse horseman of famine, can starve your relationship of much-needed communication. When someone feels the need to go on the defensive, they stop listening to where you are coming from and focus on what they can say that will get you back on their side. Often, this means making excuses and trying to play the victim, even if they know they did something wrong. They may also try to blame the person confronting them to shift the spotlight away from themselves.

4. Stonewalling

Finally, just as death signals the final steps of the apocalypse, stonewalling can be the final straw in a struggling relationship. Instead of getting defensive or trying to explain themselves, a person who stonewalls simply shuts down when faced with conflict. They may not speak or respond — they may even dissociate from the situation entirely.

Psychologically, this is similar to the sometimes forgotten “fawn” or “freeze” response in fight or flight, as the person may feel too overwhelmed to participate in the conversation. When it becomes a habit, it can leave the other person feeling like they’re talking to a wall and that nothing they say will be heard or internalized. Instead of fighting against an immovable object, many people decide it’s better to simply leave.

Addressing the four horsemen of relationships

Gottman’s four horsemen highlight issues nearly every couple has to contend with at some point to maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship. The first step is knowing them and understanding how they can impact the person you love. The next step is doing everything within your power to address them with your partner. This may involve establishing new boundaries, standards, or “rules” to ensure you both get what you need from your partnership. These suggestions are a great place to start.

Build a culture of respect

A lack of respect in a relationship opens the door to criticism and contempt from the start. You should only enter into or continue a relationship if you can agree on a foundation of mutual respect for one another’s beliefs, feelings, and opinions.

Communicate openly and often

Communication is key to every relationship you have in your life, and it is even more important in the intimacy of a romantic partnership. Be open to talking to one another about the good and the bad, and raise concerns or potential conflicts early so you can work through them before one or both of you get to the point of contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.

Try couples therapy

If you find that you cannot address these challenges on your own, perhaps an objective third party can help you see what your relationship needs. Going to therapy does not mean either side “lost” the battle. Instead, think of it as a commitment both of you make to improving your relationship and individual lives.

Find support at Zencare.co

The right therapist to support your relationship is out there in Zencare’s nationwide directory of therapists near you. Whether you are looking for ways to improve an already successful relationship or you want to address challenges like communication issues or mental disorders, we have accepting, empathetic professionals ready to help you grow. Find a therapist today and put your relationship back on track.